As I am down to the final 10 days of my teaching career here at BTC, the letting go is beginning in earnest.
Today I posted in the Announcements on our class webpage an address for former students to contact me in the future since my email here will terminate at the end of the month, along with my health and life insurance, etc. I am always amazed at how many former students frequent the CST site as they have already started contacting me to ask where I am going and what I am doing.
Slowly, I am pulling some things out of the desk or off of the tan fabric walls of the cubicle, although rather slowly and quietly. There is time enough for the wholesale purging later.
The year-end get togethers will take on a different tone, of course, as these are BTC-career-end get togethers for me, and while I know I will keep in touch with the close friends whose desks I stand and chat at and whose grimaces I share at the lunch table, the truth of the matter is that most of the people here will never hear from me again, or vice versa. That is the way it works, even if you stay in town. When you leave town, it is even more pronounced.
The For Sale sign is in the front yard of the house, and it is surprisingly not bothering me. We have had quite a few walkthroughs already, and two more showings tomorrow. Our house has never been so clean so often in our 13 years there. When you get your house ready to sell, you spiff it all up for new people you do not even know and then wonder why you did not do so more often for yourself.
The neighbors all know we are leaving, and after the initial distress we have all settled down. It will get harder again when the moving day nears, whenever that might be, the day when we let go of the address we got mail at, the paint we brushed on, the plants we started from bare root, the hardwood floors we discovered under bad carpeting, the home we made, the life we had here.
Part of the cleaning is getting rid of the clutter, and attics and basements are amazing repositories of junk that you thought you could not live without. But you find gems too like my Dad's yearbook in which his guy friends wrote so many wonderful comments and his girlfriends all swooned on the page: "I am holding out hope that you will choose me. You are my ideal" and "To the tall, dark, handsome man with the most amazing blue eyes I have ever seen" and things like that. I can surely say he dated more women in a week than I have in my entire life. Had he been around during my high school years, I suspect that the mullet, the Gremlin, and the pot would have had to go. I lived in Wayne's World, and in that world, the girls are all imaginary. Jay's world would have been different.
For the family too, it is hard, if only just knowing that we will be seven hours away instead of one or because we will not be in the house we have been in since our daughter was an awkward 12 up through her transformation to her present graceful 25.
There is always buyer's remorse in any decision you make, and this one is no different. It is not easy to leave. But sometimes you know you have to even if it hurts. It's like letting go of your Mom's hand when you are heading to the school bus for the first time. Or letting go of that same hand when you are turning to walk to your dorm for the first time, and she is driving away crying. Or letting go of that hand for the last time before she is gone for good, and not knowing just when that was or how it felt for you. Or for her.
This time, I am trying to feel it. And it hurts.